So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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