she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
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I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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