Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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