I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
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Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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