I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
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Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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