a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize