my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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