i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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