You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
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