Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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