Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
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Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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