i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
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well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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