That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
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and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
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When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You need a sexual gate keeper
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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