He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
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at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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