Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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