Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize