i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
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Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
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Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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