I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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