im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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