I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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