I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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