I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
People in love make me want to vomit
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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