Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
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I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
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