took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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