I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
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I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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