Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i've created a new STD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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