Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
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it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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