Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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