things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
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I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
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Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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