Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize