Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
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I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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