She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
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I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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