He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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