when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We have so much sex to catch up on
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I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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