so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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