Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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