I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
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ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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