mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize