At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
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So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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