Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
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Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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