My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
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My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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