She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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