I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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