He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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