i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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