Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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