Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
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you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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