im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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