Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
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She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
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He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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