My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
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She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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